The Return of the Redneck Pool

Who Said Summertime Fun Has to Be Expensive?

By Jason Jones

Messenger Reporter

EAST TEXAS – “…and here’s a picture of me and the kids out by the pool. You know it takes over an hour to blow that thing up?”

Herb Tarlek said that. He was the slimy sales guy on WKRP in Cincinatti back in the 70s. It was one of my mom’s favorite shows, and that was one of Herb’s all-time best quotes. Unfortunately, I couldn’t find the quote online anywhere, so I had to paraphrase. I hope I got it right, but if it’s only close it will do the trick.

For several weeks now, we here in East Texas have been waking up to some chilly temperatures. Typically, anything near 20 degrees (or less) keeps my thoughts on ways to keep warm. For some reason things are different this year.

All I can think about is the Redneck Pool.

If the term offends anyone for whatever reason, I officially apologize. Unofficially… lighten up and laugh along with those of us in the lowbrow club.

Now, please allow me to pontificate on the glories of the greatest thing to happen to land locked people with less-than-stellar income.

I suppose I should define “Redneck Pool” before I go any further. The redneck pool is an affordable, easy to set up swimming pool. Our first one was purchased with a $100 bill I found on the side of the road while locating and marking a telephone cable for a new fence installation. Ditch money is a wonderful thing.

I have no idea what prompted my wife to suggest a pool for our Kerrville, Texas back yard, but as soon as she said it, my mind hailed it as a stroke of genius. I had to have one. We went to Wal-Mart, raced a couple who were returning one with a hole in it to the toy section, and bought the thing for a mere $97.

It was, quite possibly, the best money I’ve ever spent.

The one we used for the first two summers was the “easy set” pool. Basically, it consisted of an inflatable ring that gave shape to a self-supporting bladder of water. Ours was 14 feet across and was supposed to be round. I learned quickly that “level ground” and “flat ground” were two entirely different things. As it turns out, our yard, despite being nice and flat, was sloped. Subsequently, our round pool was oblong and had a deep end. It was sketchy looking, which is probably why we dubbed it “the Redneck Pool.” As my lovely wife found out, leaning back against the ring while in the deep end could result in the side collapsing. My son and daughter-in-law still laugh about hearing her high-pitched squeal and looking up in time to see her legs sticking straight up in the air as she was swept overboard toward the neighbor’s yard.

Other than that little incident, not to mention the fact that I’d installed the pump wrong rendering it useless, the pool held up great, and we almost never got out of it. We easily got several thousand dollars’ worth of enjoyment for our hundred-dollar bill.

The next season we upgraded to a 15-foot liner pool with a steel tube frame. We felt like we’d arrived safely at “hoity toity” status.

The pool still sat on a slope, but the steel frame kept everything in check. It also included a skimmer with the pump, which made keeping it clean much easier. A side table to hold the Bluetooth speaker and a couple of cocktails, along with a big beach umbrella and we were set. We were officially pool people.

I just got a chill.

Every day was a perfect day, you know, once I could forget about work. I would come home, change into my suit, scoop a few leaves and bugs out of the pool, check the ph level, pour a glass of something enjoyable, turn on the music, and kick back with my girl. It was incredibly relaxing and enjoyable.

The next year saw a short-lived move to New Braunfels for us. We bought a house in a new neighborhood, and much to our dismay the back yard was too small for our Redneck Pool. It was truly a challenging summer. Of course, New Braunfels offers plenty of summertime fun for folks who love the water. I am that guy. Unfortunately, I don’t like people so much, and I’ve seen the river so crowded on occasion that you could cross it without a bridge and still never get wet. None for me, thanks.

We moved back to East Texas about six months ago. After selling our house in New Braunfels, we’d hoped to buy something that left us enough money to have a real in-ground pool installed. We didn’t. We love our house, but it needed (needs) plenty of work, so it looks like a fancy, non-Redneck variety of pool is still in the “one of these days” category.

I can, however, afford a nice Redneck Pool. An hour to set up and a few hours to fill it, and we’re living large. We’ll be placing our order soon and I am incredibly excited. My beloved Redneck Pool is coming home where it belongs.

Maybe that’s why I’ve had the recent urge to find a primer gray T-top Camaro and grow some Joe Dirt hair. I should probably find my Def Leppard cassette. That savage tan is going to need a soundtrack.

Jason Jones may be reached via email at [email protected]