The Importance of “Before”
Making a Comeback is Far Better with a Huge Deficit
By Jason Jones
Messenger Reporter
EAST TEXAS – It was the illustrious Mr. T who once said, “To have a comeback, you have to have a setback.” Peyton Manning took it a little farther when he said, “You hear about how many fourth quarter comebacks that a guy has, and I think it means a guy screwed up in the first three quarters.”
Ouch.
I’ve made a few comebacks in my day. Once, back in the late 80’s, I was at the Pizza Hut buffet with my friend Richard. He had 13 pieces of crust on his plate, and I only had 12. When he went to the restroom before we left, I ate two more slices. He had to pick up the bill.
It wasn’t satisfying, though. In the end it was only two slices. And I chose thin crust. Sure, it was a comeback win, but it wasn’t like the Patriots in Superbowl LI, and Richard definitely wasn’t the Falcons. They were up 28-3 in the third quarter. He was only up by one slice. Could have happened to anyone.
I’m ready for another comeback. This time I’m making it interesting.
I know I’ll have my doubters. “Sounds like New Year’s Resolution time.” I feel the same way. I make New Year’s Resolutions with just enough resolve to last about three weeks. This time will be different.
Starting in January, I will change my diet and make a return to exercise.
See? Easy stuff. No stress whatsoever.
Losing weight and getting fit is not my worry. My fear is that I’ll get all fit and buff and nobody will notice. How incredibly annoying would that be?
To that end, I decided to use this holiday season to gain as much weight as possible. I also try not to walk any more than I have to. This is serious folks. I’m working hard on the “Before.”
Of course, it runs counter to even the worst of intuition. Nobody should be fine with finishing off a bag of takeout, then pulling up in the driveway only to take your wife out to dinner. I’ve done that. I am committed to this. And I’m not worried about it. I know that I’ll look like one of those Avengers characters in just a few months. I’m thinking “Thor,” though I’d probably be OK with “Captain America.”
The current goal, though, is to make sure nobody who sees me at the pool or beach this summer can believe I’m the same person. “Didn’t you look like John Candy during Christmas break?” “Why yes… yes I did.” I plan to wink a lot too. I think that’ll look cool.
Now I’m working on a plan to throw off the cosmos. I assume I’ll need a different New Year’s Resolution to keep my real plans from being construed as expendable. I’m thinking about taking up a new hobby. Maybe gardening. Maybe knitting. That ought to do the trick.
In the meantime, I guess I can start planning my new wardrobe. I can’t walk around with my “after” self, wearing my “before” clothes. That just wouldn’t be right.
Now I’m going to try to read this to my wife and keep a straight face.
Jason Jones may be reached via email at [email protected]
