By Walter Scott
Each year I try to publish at least one column with what I feel are good humorous jokes to lighten up the column. I spend considerable time researching them out and occasionally someone sends me one I think is appropriate for the column. So with your indulgence, here are this year’s selections:
A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible. The little girl said, “When I get to heaven, I will ask Jonah.”
The teacher then asked, “What if Jonah went to hell?”
The little girl replied, “Then you ask him!”
A new pastor moved into town and went out of the way to visit all his parishioners. All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious someone was at home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally, he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it in the door.
The next day after the service, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.” Upon opening his Bible to the passage, his face turned red and he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”
Did you hear the story of the two pastors fishing in the stream near the side of the road? They thoughtfully made a sign that read, “The End is Near! Turn yourself around now before it’s too late!”
They also made sure every passing car saw the sign and had ample opportunity to read it. However, one driver didn’t appreciate their concern. “Leave us be, you religious fanatics!” he shouted at them.
Just then a big splashing noise occurred, and the two pastors looked at each other. Finally one spoke…
“Do you think we should just put up a sign that says ‘Bridge out’ instead?”
My minister announced that admission to a church social event would be six dollars per person. “However,” he said, “If you’re over 65 the price will only be $5.50.”
From the back of the congregation, a woman’s voice spoke up…
“Do you really think I’d give you that information for only 50 cents?”
A friend just gave me a report containing statistics indicating that last year 4,153,237 people got married. Now, I’m not trying to start any trouble, but I can’t help wondering… shouldn’t that be an even number?
The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask the congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at the last minute.
The substitute wanted to know what to play. “Here’s a copy of the service,” he said impatiently. “But, you’ll have to think of something to play after I make the announcement about the finances.”
During the service, the minister paused and said, “Brothers and Sisters, we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or more, please stand up.”
At that moment, the substitute organist played “The Star Spangled Banner.” And that is how the substitute became the regular organist!
I hope you enjoyed them. They’re a lot of fun.