It’s an election year and everyone is sooo serious. Scotty gave me some things that are sure to put smiles on your faces:
*Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
*A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
*Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
*A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
*A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
*Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
*“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.’” “That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.” “Is it common?” Well, “It’s Not Unusual.”
*An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
*Déjà Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
*A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t sir, I’ve cut off your arms!”
*I went to a seafood disco last week… and pulled a mussel.
*Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says Dam!”
* Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
*A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. “But why?” they asked, as they moved off. “Because,” he said, “I can’t stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.”
*A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named “Ahmal.” The other goes to a family in Spain, and they name him “Juan.” Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, “They’re twins! If you’ve seen Juan, you’ve seen Ahmal.”
*Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*There was once a man who sent ten puns to the Pun Master, with the hope that they would satisfy him. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Now don’t you feel better? God bless you.