SINCERELY, SCOTTY by Walter Scott: Words Women Use

Words Women Use

As spring approaches, I tend to be a little more lighthearted and active as I suspect most people do.  They say (whoever “they” are) it has something to do with the amount of sunlight we get.  Perhaps so.  In any case, statistically, there are more spring and summer weddings – June being the peak month.  So for all you men out there planning on getting married, I’d like to give you some definitions of some of the words women commonly use.  By the way, this applies to all us old married as well. So pay close attention and you may stay out of trouble with your wife or girlfriend.

FINE – This is a word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up.  Never use the word “Fine” to describe how a woman looks; it may start an argument.  (Note: I did that once and she said, “Is that all you can say?”)

FIVE MINUTES – This is half an hour.  It is equivalent to the five minutes your football game is going to last before you take out the trash – so it’s an even trade.

NOTHING – This means “something”, and you should be alert.  “Nothing” is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards.  “Nothing usually signifies an argument that will last “Five Minutes” and end with “Fine”.

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows) – This is a dare; one that will result in a woman getting upset over ‘Nothing’ and will end with ‘Fine’.

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows) – This means “I give up” or “Do what you want because I don’t care”.  You will get a “Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead” in just a few minutes, followed by “Nothing” and “Fine” and she will talk to you in about “Five Minutes” when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH – This is a non-verbal statement usually misunderstood by men.  It means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing there arguing with you over “Nothing”.

SOFT SIGH – Again not a word, but nevertheless a statement that means she is content.  Your best bet is to not move or breath and she will stay content.

THAT’S OKAY – This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man.  It means she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done.  It is often used with the word “Fine” and in conjunction with a “Raised Eyebrow”.

GO AHEAD – At some point in the future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO – This is not a statement – it is an offer.  She is giving you a chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is you have done.  You may survive with the truth, but beware of “That’s Okay”.

THANKS – A woman is thanking you so do not faint.  Just say you’re welcome.

THANKS A LOT – Much different from ”Thanks”.  A woman will say this when she is really ticked off at you.  It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed with a “Loud Sigh”.  Be careful not to ask what’s wrong after the “Loud Sigh”, as she will only tell you “Nothing.”

Please allow me the humor.  While most of us long time married men have experienced one or more of the above words, I would still tell you that married life is great.  Nor am I ready to trade her (my wife) in on a newer model.  When I told her this she said, “Thanks A Lot!”

Sincerely,  Scotty