EVER WONDER by Jacque Scott: Christmas Jokes
Christmas Jokes
Today is going to put a smile on your faces with a few but really good Christmas jokes and one-liners. Christmas is a wonderful time of year. There are wonderful acts of kindness, lasting memories made with friends and family, and huge feasts of everybody’s favorite dishes. Everyone loves a good laugh, and I hope you enjoy these little funnies:
As a little girl climbed onto Santa’s lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?” The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped, “Didn’t you get my E-mail?”
How do you know Santa has to be a man? No woman is going to wear the same outfit year after year…
Did you hear about the Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale?
Did you hear that good King Wenceslas phoned for a pizza? The salesgirl asked him, ‘Do you want your usual? Deep pan, crisp and even?’
Maria went to the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.’ What denomination?’ asked the clerk. ‘Oh! Good heavens! Have we come to this?’ said Maria, ‘Well give me 50 Methodist and 50 Church of England ones please.’
One Christmas, Joe and Peter built a skating rink in the middle of a field. A shepherd leading his flock decided to take a shortcut across the rink. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t cross it. Desperate, the shepherd began tugging them to the other side. ‘Look at that, ‘remarked Peter to Joe, ‘That guy is trying to pull the wool over our ice!
A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict. Its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.
For those who dream of confusing Santa Claus:
Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad, and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds
While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
Leave him a note, explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
Leave a note by the telephone, telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney.
While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out, with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa.”
Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
Leave Santa a note, explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
Smile… Remember, Christmas is a wonderful time of year. We have been given the greatest gift of all—God’s only Son… Now THAT’S something to smile about…
Merry Christmas and God bless you.
